DO YOU WITHDRAW FROM CONFLICT?

Many people-pleasers I work with withdraw when there is conflict in a relationship. 

They figure they have a better chance of preserving the relationship if they keep the difficult feelings to themselves.

That's a noble intention, to preserve the relationship, but in practice, that is not how it usually plays out.

What more likely happens is, you keep these feelings to yourself and they build up, either because the behavior that triggered the difficult feelings keeps happening or the feelings take energy to hold onto, draining you and life energy from the relationship.

As a result, what often happens is you withdraw more.

You might share less of yourself with this person, reach out for them less, and generally the relationship languishes. 

So instead of preserving it by keeping silent, you are contributing to its slow demise.

The relationship is dying on your watch, even though the reason you gave for keeping quiet is you wanted to preserve it.

If you really want to preserve the relationship, you could use the conflict, and the difficult feelings getting stirred up in you, as an opportunity to learn more about yourself.

You could learn what this situation is stirring up for you from your life, history, and experiences that's difficult for you to be with, feel, and know.

What might this look like?

Let's say you've noticed that someone isn't showing up in your relationship for you as much as you are for them. You are a shoulder to cry on, you listen to what's going on, but your friend is only calling when they need something and not really making space for you and what's going on in your life. 

This is a normal ebb and flow in relationships, and sometimes the imbalance can start to generate unpleasant feelings.

This might be a moment you notice you start pulling back. You don't call as often, you don't reach out to this friend. And you might even be dreading when they reach out to you, since you know it will likely be because they need something from you, but don't ask you any questions or generally have any time for you.

This is an opportunity for you to explore, what are the unpleasant feelings getting stirred up for you, what are you telling yourself about the situation, and how is this experience familiar to you in your life and history, with parents, siblings, friends, romantic partners or the culture at large. 

I'm going to go through an example of some of the feelings, stories and familiar experiences that could be connected to this dynamic. This is in no way exhaustive, it's just one example.

So first, what feelings are getting stirred up?

You might feel:

• Sad

• Frustrated

• Disappointed

• Scared

• Hopeless

Second, what are you telling yourself about the situation?

• I can't say anything to my friend because they are going through a rough time right now

• My friend has been going through a rough time for a long time - I'm not sure how we get out of this situation

• I have other places I can get my needs met, I don't need to lean on this person

• I can just withdraw until things settle down

• I'm scared to say anything because I'll hurt their feelings, they'll get overwhelmed or defensive, it won't help the situation and might even harm it

• Maybe this friend doesn't care about me as much as I care about them

Third, how is this experience familiar to you?

• You were the kid in your family that always had it together, didn't have many needs, and you had siblings who were more "needy"

• Your parents paid attention to the "needy" kids, and just assumed you'd be fine since you always were

• You had a parent who needed a lot, from you and the family, and you were a good kid and helped your parent the way they needed you to

• You had a parent who was overwhelmed by others needs, including yours, so you learned to keep yours quiet so as not to overwhelm your parent

• You are a woman, conditioned by our culture to take care of other people and put your needs second

The more you know about yourself, your feelings, beliefs and the experiences that shape your reactions in relationships, the more choice you have in what, if anything, you want to do about it with this person, or the others that this dynamic plays out with. Because you can be sure if it's happening with one person, the dynamic is likely happening with others.

For those who want a deep dive into this process of understanding yourself, the feelings, beliefs, and historical experiences that get stirred up for you in relationships, group therapy is a powerful tool to help you do this work.

If you're curious about what happens in group therapy, and how it might help your relationships, please join my next "Taste of Group Therapy" event on Wednesday October 25th, 4:15pm PST.

I hope to see you there.